Anxiety: the gift to make you grow
By Pauline McKinnon
Perhaps the title of this article surprises you? You may be startled at the concept of viewing anxiety as a gift - not a problem. You may initially think that I'm uninformed or that I don't understand the pain of anxiety. Preferably though, this title may cause you to be curious enough to read on!Let me assure you that I know only too well the immense pain of living with anxiety. My own experience manifested as agoraphobia. It well and truly grounded me and I fought it hard for 8 years until I finally found the way to freedom. That was about 25 years ago and it's been that long since I last experienced a panic attack.
To my joy, those 25 years have been fully lived - in contrast to living with agoraphobia, where life is so limited. Those years have also produced 4 editions of my story In Stillness Conquer Fear, the establishment of my consulting practice, professional training as a family therapist and several other publications, some relating to children and anxiety. All that experience has helped me distil a different view of anxiety, something I'd like to share here.
We know that anxiety can manifest in panic attacks, obsessive compulsive conditions, eating disorders, depression and various psychosomatic illnesses. We know that anxiety can cause immense unhappiness and emotional anguish and that the symptoms it produces can severely spoil people's lives. Since I first told my story, anxiety disorders have become recognised as conditions to be diagnosed and treated in various ways . and many support organisations have developed to assist sufferers. This is excellent progress. But it highlights too, just how prevalent anxiety is within our community - and throughout, especially, the Western world. Therefore it seems to me that this prevalence is telling us something far more important than simply statistics. In my experience, everything happens for a reason! So for what reason might we be experiencing anxiety?
Usually, we assume, for no good reason. But we can make a choice here. We can choose to accept that anxiety is a diagnosable condition and that it happens because we are predisposed to such conditions, or that we've experienced a traumatic childhood, or that we're unable to cope with difficulties such as the state of the world . and so on. Certainly those factors give rise to anxiety, and we can settle for that view if we wish. But that would be a fairly limited view and may keep us well and truly stuck, helpless in our anxiety. Alternatively, we can choose a positive, liberating view of anxiety!
Just suppose that anxiety, rather than being a 'disorder' was actually a gift to help us grow! Imagine how liberating that could be. Imagine that you could actually benefit from your anxiety by listening to the messages it has for you. You could heed those messages, learn from them, change something and lose your anxiety!
Most of us need a bit of change. We grow out of childhood rather like a house that could do with some maintenance or renovation or even an extension that might make that house better, more whole, closer to completion. When we want to change our house, it's often because the roof is leaking or the plaster is falling off the walls. To fix these, we need some help from the experts and some tools to work with . but it's the signs of decay that get us started on the changes that are needed.
Anxiety, in whichever form it affects us, is like the leaking roof or the cracks in the walls. The reason for our anxiety just might be a sign that can get us started on necessary change. So let's begin to view anxiety differently. OK?
Then we need to listen to its message. What's going on in our lives to increase our anxiety? Have we been experiencing stress - and what is stressful for us? Are we caring for ourselves, eating properly and resting adequately? Are we overworked and exhausted, living with a sense of urgency? If so, why? Have we forgotten how to laugh and have fun? Maybe. Have we learned to be self-conscious, afraid of rejection? Where is this coming from? Are we too critical or judgmental of our self and of others? Why? Do we feel threatened by others? Why? What expectations do we have of ourself or of others? What pressures do we place upon ourself to achieve these? How do these pressures make us feel? Do we fear failure, rejection and isolation? How has this come about? Do we hold all our longing, regret, shame and concern within ourselves, burying real feelings and pretending all's well when it's not? How many roles are we playing . what are we pretending and what are we trying to prove? How much anger, frustration and disappointment gnaws at us deeply within, propelling us towards panic? How much tension are we carrying because of all these questions? And how depressing is all this?
These questions usually reflect the beliefs we have about ourselves and how we fit into the society in which we exist. And because today's society places tremendous emphasis on achievement, material possessions and personal profile, we are constantly receiving messages that incite self-judgment. This is the stressful stuff that makes people anxious. Especially those who are sensitive, conscientious and intelligent! Not surprisingly, these are the very things we also hear linked to problems such as drug abuse, chroming, youth suicide etc. These responses and the anxiety they create are all parts of the human whole of the 21st century. No wonder the statistics show a society that is slowly becoming crippled by its own anxiety!
If you are an anxiety sufferer, I challenge you to join me in observing anxiety differently and listening to the messages it provides.
Let's look a little more closely at agoraphobia, for example. This outcome of anxiety is regarded as the most severe. In my experience, the bottom-line message that agoraphobia hands out is this: I need this person beside me outside of home, or I need to feel safe by remaining in my room or in my home, or in my car or in my restricted comfort zone, because when I am alone or unsupported I fear I'll collapse and be lost, without identity . swallowed up, somehow, which leaves me terrified, helpless, ill and insecure.
If we choose to look at this differently, we can begin to see that we've been looking at the problem the wrong way around! The symptoms are reflecting the real issue. Before agoraphobia we were already feeling lost, helpless and insecure - about to be overwhelmed - but we hadn't made any changes to that situation yet. So those feelings became anxiety that grew and grew until the real issue became a mass of symptoms, trying to tell us something! All our expectations, pressures and worries, when not dealt with, escalated to panic . and to feeling out of control. Then as the symptoms pushed us more and more, so we feared losing control (or dying or being swept away somehow - no wonder death is perhaps the major preoccupation of the anxious person!) - and we retreated, trying to avoid that outcome.
In consciously avoiding the symptoms, the individual's defences are extremely high, which means that his or her tension level is extremely high. And tension keeps anxiety high - in a treadmill of panic and recurring, distressing symptoms. How depressing is this . until we do something with the information surrounding it all.
To start the repair work, we need to understand the reality that anxiety is common to all people and, like any emotion, anxiety levels are ever-changing according to what's happening to us. When life's good, our anxiety is low. Stress increases anxiety, so when life's not so good, anxiety rises. This is normal. It just doesn't always feel normal, because we haven't yet correctly understood anxiety or learned the skills or found the confidence to deal with it.
To ring in the changes, firstly we need to learn how to take calm control of our self and our life. It's essential that we take steps to keep our natural anxiety - and our tension level - as low as possible so that our symptoms disappear and our entire life is lived in a tranquil way. This can be very effectively achieved through the practice of stillness, the way I conquered my own wrestle with agoraphobia all those years ago.
Then, as our symptoms begin to ease, we begin to deal with the information . like, we begin to properly take control of our being. We think about who and where we are right now, we talk about it with someone who cares, we write it all down, weep about it, indulge in self pity, laugh about it . and gradually, like putting together a jigsaw puzzle, we begin to make sense of it - and ourselves - somehow. Then we begin to understand that our anxiety has been pointing the way to our limiting beliefs - the faulty patterns and reactions that we've become used to living by. Recognising this provides us with the ability to replace those beliefs with new ones. And slowly, feeling relieved, we become a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, a lot less anxious and a little more confident. And building on that, gradually we develop ourselves . we re-build the structure, paint the walls a great colour and walk proudly out the door. Surprisingly, anxiety has helped us do that!
And the more we develop and grow as human beings, the more we find meaning and satisfying answers to the big, really scary life questions so that these, rather than remaining as issues to be feared, become fascinating areas to further explore.
If you'd like to know more about my journey and the experience of stillness, which is a unique kind of meditation, you'll find it in my book and on my CD, Stillness for Stress Free Living. I also offer classes for this purpose and counselling to help the process of re-building. Perhaps we'll meet one day.
In the meanwhile, I hope you'll make a start on reconstructing a freer, happier, and more complete YOU. And a freer, happier and more complete society just might eventually follow!
Pauline McKinnon is the author of In Stillness Conquer Fear.
She will present a one-day workshop for ADAVIC in July 2002. For more information about Pauline's services, her CD's and her book for children Quiet Magic, please visit her website:
http://www. stillnessmeditation.com or telephone (03) 9817 2933.
© Copyright - Pauline McKinnon
