I thought I was going to explode with fear!
Bev Aisbett
PANIC ATTACKS!One in every five Australians suffers these and anxiety. Bev Aisbett was tormented daily, until she came up with a strategy to beat her demons. Here, she talks to Sarah Marinos.
Everything was taken care of for me as a child, and I expected that the world would keep on doing that.
I was relatively young when my parents died, and it was a huge shock to realise I now had to take care of myself. I didn't feel capable.
Romantically, my life was scattered, and I began to feel that I was too difficult to love. Now I think I probably was. After my parents died I went overseas. When I returned to Melbourne I met a lovely man and we were together for just over six years. In retrospect, I can see that the relationship was about me desperately wanting security.
I was exhausted by life, and my partner offered stability.
I worked at the Royal Victorian Institute for the Blind making tactile graphics for people who needed to have diagrams in Braille form. I also began freelancing as a cartoonist, and I decided to start my own cartooning business. I handed in my notice, and the next morning I woke up feeling frightened. I kept thinking, "What have I done? What if I don't get any work? What if I can't pay my bills?' A few weeks later I attended a cartoonist award ceremony. I looked at all these successful artists and thought I'll never make it.
Suddenly- wham! I had my first panic attack.
A WAVE OF PANIC
The whole world seemed to be crashing around me, and I remember feeling in terrible danger, as if a gun was being held to my head. Wave after wave of panic hit me. I was trembling, my heart was racing and I felt as if it was going to crash out of my chest. My stomach was cold with fear.
The attack only lasted a few minutes, but it felt like forever, and for the rest of the day I had surges of panic. Everyone else seemed so happy, and I was living a nightmare. That night I didn't sleep well, and the next morning I went for a walk. I pounded the streets saying "I'll be okay, I'll be okay" like a mantra, trying to exorcise this feeling of fear.
From then on I was always on the look out for the next panic attack. I kept working, but I got four hours sleep a night and I was anxious all day. It was ironic that I was a cartoonist making people laugh, yet I was so anxious. I was constantly exhausted and running on empty.
FEELING LOST
About three months after my first panic attack, my partner suggested going away for a break. He left and I was to join him after finishing some work. I got in my car and spent 90 minutes driving around the city, trying to find the freeway and getting stressed. Eventually I called him and told him I couldn't make it, and when I tried to start my old Volkswagen again to drive home it seized. The next thing I remember is getting out of the car and screaming, "Help me, for God's sake help me". I thought I was going to explode with fear.
An elderly gentleman who was passing by put down his shopping bags, walked over and took me in his arms. I collapsed in tears. He kept saying, "It's okay, it's okay".
I went to my doctor the next day and he prescribed tranquillisers. A few weeks later my partner organised a trip to a beach house with friends. I was feeling so lost that I seriously contemplated walking into the sea. I thought I'd never be well again. Life only started getting better for me when I saw a psychologist who set me on a journey of self discovery. I realised I was terribly hard on myself, and I had to learn to relax and not be so critical of what I did.
IN CONTROL
Whenever I caught myself catastrophising, I told myself I had no choice- I could scare the hell out of myself or see things as they were. I began drawing cartoons to remind myself anxiety does pass.
I created a character called IT who represented my fears, and when I was in danger of becoming anxious I'd argue with IT. He even developed a personality, and became more of a practical joker than something dark.
There were days when I fell in a hole, but the more situations you deal with, the more your confidence builds, and that eases your anxiety. I still had panic attacks, but they didn't last as long, and I had my cartoons to remind me these feelings pass.
I last had a panic attack a few years ago when the tax department sent me a bill that was three times the normal amount - but I think that would happen to anyone!
THE IT PROGRAMS
Bev became a counsellor in 1994, and designed a series of workshops to help people suffering anxiety and panic attacks. Her basic program is a series of five weekly workshops, also available in an audio and print package for people who are unable to attend sessions in person.
Using a combination of diagrams, educational information about anxiety and panic, questionnaires, relaxation techniques and drawing on her own experience, Bev looks at key issues surrounding anxiety and panic attacks. She covers topics such as:
- Why people have anxiety.
- How to identify and defuse anxiety triggers.
- How to effectively manage anxiety.
- How to identify and change damaging thinking.
- How to deal with stressful situations without moving into anxiety.
- How to remove the power of fear over your life.
- How to create a healthier relationship with yourself, and others and your "IT".
Sufferers have to be aware of their self-talk, and challenge any negative or frightening thoughts by working out whether it is really based on fact. Choose an alternative supporting thought instead, and then leave the issue alone and find something better to do. Bev says people should breathe deeply if going into "IT" overload. "Tell yourself, 'This will pass'," she says. "Don't stop what you're doing! Keep going! Each task is important. Doing these things means that you are working to resume you life. Each completed activity is an achievement."
WHO'S AT RISK?
Bev says perfectionists, driven and restless people are at risk of developing anxiety. Other risk factors include:
- Finding it difficult to let go of old hurts.
- Having a strong need to be seen as confident or coping.
- A tendency to give to others with little self-nurturing.
- Worrying excessively about "what if" situations.
- Being overly concerned with others' approval.
- Rapid, short breathing
- A racing heart beat
- Trembling
- Blurred vision
- Feeling faint
- A tightness in the head or chest
- Confused thinking
- Sensing danger when there is none.
- Bev's website is at www.netspace.net.au/~bevaisbett
- For the IT kit, call 0412-176-396.
- For workshop details call (03) 9853-8089.
Reprinted with permission - Good Medicine Magazine (February 2002)
